Lords of Nyte

This is very much a nitpick but I can't let it go by unnoticed.

The screams of the wounded and dying rent the air like glass breaking.

I do not think that "rent" is the appropriate verb here. Yes, it does mean "to tear apart with violence," but the word also has strong associations with real estate, namely living in a property with the permission of a landlord in return for paying designated fee. There are much better words to describe this. For instance, have you considered "shattered"? It would be appropriate considering the simile you use in the same sentence.

All right. Nitpick is now off my chest. Let's get to the review proper.

As I was reading this all I could think was, "Woah! Back up! What's going on here?" And for a prologue that's not necessarily a bad thing. After all, the point of a prologue is to draw the reader in to a story, and using mystery is a great way to accomplish that. But there's a fine line between enticing your readers and just getting them flat out lost, which is what I see here. Let's explore why, shall we?

First off, I think starting your prologue in omniscient really isn't appropriate for this piece. A lot of times readers want to form a connection with characters, not with the philosophies or ideas behind the premise of a work. The opening paragraph here sounds more like an impartial analysis of what goes on in people's heads during war, and being impartial is often not the best way to form a connection with your audience. I think that space would be better spent in the head of your viewpoint character, Aden.

But let's talk about when you do introduce our viewpoint character. Is he interesting and engaging? Well, I can't really tell. From what I can gather, Aden is some really powerful guy in command of an army. But I know nothing else about him, mostly because there are so many other things going on in this prologue that nothing can be fully explained. And that's the real problem here: not much is explained.

Let me explain what I mean by that. There's some big battle going on, but why it's important is never explained. It's just "important, that's all you need to know." "The Fates" are mentioned repeatedly a few times as if they were some sort of mythological symbol, much like the Fates in Greek mythology. But the significance of "the Fates" is never actually stated and all a reader can infer is "it's important. That's all you need to know." And then you have some vampire army. Again, why vampires? What significance do vampires hold in this world that would result in a war? Again, "it's important. That's all you need to know."

Now seeing as this is a prologue I have no doubt all of this will be explained in the following chapters. But, like I said, there's a fine line between enticing your audience and leaving them lost. And I feel lost here. As I read this I feel like I've been thrown into a pit of action, not given enough context to care about what's happening. Why should I care about Aden? Why should I care about this battle, which is apparently really important? Why should I care about the fact they're fighting vampires when, as far as I can tell, they're not that different from an army of humans?

I'm not asking for you to give an exposition dump of everything that's going to be explained in later chapters, but some context here would really be appreciated. You don't even have to come out and say "this is why this is important." You can be subtle and imply things. And from what I've read, you're pretty good at allowing readers to draw their own conclusions based on what you imply and show and not explicitly state (for example, Aden is shown to be an analytical thinker as he examines the battlefield). That is a very good skill to have.

So. What do I think you should focus on implying to make this prologue stronger? I think your time will be best spent on why the opposing army consists of vampires, actually. You've already implied that they're powerful and a force to be reckoned with. Imply why they're feared. Perhaps have the characters mention potential consequences if the battle is lost. You can even have them hint at the cause of the war. Hint at something to give your audience a better idea of the implications of this war beyond "it's important. That's all you need to know." And integrate these implications as much as you can with the characters instead of with a disjointed, omniscient voice. It'll make your story come to life.

My entire review can be summed up in these two points:

- Ditch the omniscient narrator. In some parts of this story it feels like some external observer is making impartial observations about the situation, and reader's can't get invested in your characters when this is happening. Focus on forming a connection between your audience and your characters. Show us why they're interesting individuals.
- Give context to the events in this prologue. Not so much to give away what you have in store, but enough to give readers a sense of why this battle and these characters are important. Be subtle about it: you appear to have a strength in showing/implying over telling (something which an omniscient narrator undermines. See point one).

You're free to PM me with any questions or comments. Hope this helped.

--Dover